why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
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She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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