I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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