i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
