i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
