i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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