remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
