So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
