I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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