i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
