Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
