i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
