Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
