This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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