i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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