shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
