Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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