I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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