I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
