HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
