We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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