Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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