hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
