Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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