So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
