don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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