one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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