my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
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Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
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She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.