I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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