in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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