Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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