Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
