my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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