And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Did I show you my penis last night?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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