Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
