I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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