You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
