when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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