Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
