An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
