Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
