Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
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Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
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Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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