Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
