Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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