and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
