So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
