They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
