If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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