Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
