He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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