I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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