Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
there is puke in my bra ... again
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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