are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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