You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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