I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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