ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
