I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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