I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
