ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
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