Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere