if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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