you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
